Empathy: Something you are or something you do?

Here’s the #1 top question I get: can you learn empathy?  We’re taught that empathy is something you’re born with and that’s that, like having green eyes or red hair (present company included).  In behavioral research, we call that having a ‘trait’ – it’s something that’s almost impossible to change.  It’s like saying “I’m just short and there’s nothing I can do about it”.  Sure, you can wear some killer high heels (yes, I’m guilty), but you can’t really change your height.  Not on a biological, DNA based level anyway.

Think of a trait as something you are, while a behavior is something you do.  I think Michael Jordan is a great example here.  He already had talent as a good basketball player (trait), but then was cut from his sophomore team.  So he started practicing…and practicing…and practicing.  He did basketball (behavior) until he became one of the greatest of all time.  

The best part about behaviors?  They can be learned.  Sometimes they can be unlearned.  But they can be changed, if you want whatever the outcome is bad enough.  Michael Jordan was already good, but he learned how to be the best.  Empathy is the same way.

There are some parts of empathy that you’re born with biologically, but there are some you can learn, practice, and get better at, just like sports, or music, or writing.  Sure we all have a certain amount of inborn talent, but we can do so much more.  

Some kinds of empathy can be taught as a skill, and we miss that point.  It’s so learnable, in fact, that people with no empathy, like psychopaths, are able to learn it and use it against people who have empathy.  It’s called Dark Empathy, and I’m not getting into the specifics in this post, but if they can learn it, why can’t we?  (Oh yeah, stay tuned for that one). So back to our original question: is empathy something you have or something you do?  The answer is…yes.