Critical not Caring: What the heck does THAT mean?

I just got back from speaking and I did a full talk on the 4 steps to self-empathy.  A part of that is understanding what ‘critical, not caring’ is, and I had someone ask a really good question.  “Don’t we need to be able to critique ourselves?  You say judgement is bad, but we need to be able to judge to get better, don’t we”?  

Yes…and no.

The word ‘judgement’ comes from the Latin ‘iudicare’, which means “law” or “right”.  If you’re being judgmental, you’re deciding that something is right and according to the law, and something else is wrong.  It’s black and white, and like other matters of the law, it suggests that if you’re not on the side of right, you’ve done something wrong.  The connotation is that you follow the law, or you fail.

The word ‘critical’ comes from the Greek ‘kritikos’, which means something closer to ‘discerning’.  It’s more akin to looking at something and learning from it rather than casting judgement.  It allows for growth and, as we all know, growth often comes out of failure or doing something ‘wrong’.  

If we already did everything right, we wouldn’t have anything to learn.

When we’re either critical or judgemental, usually there’s some emotion attached: a feeling of failure, imposter syndrome, self-loathing, “how could I be so stupid”.  When you add another layer by being ‘critical, not caring’, you take away that emotional element, which means you can learn without the self-hatred.  You’re not punishing yourself: you’re growing into the best version of yourself that you can.  

When we judge ourselves or others, it starts by looking at ourselves and making a comparison (whether we decide we’re ‘right’ or they are). We’re not there to learn, just to see who measures up.  

Being critical, on the other hand, isn’t a comparison where there’s a winner and a loser.  It’s the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to fill a bigger space in the world.  There’s no need for negativity, or any emotion at all, because there’s no winners or losers.  It’s an opportunity, nothing more.

The more we can take judgement out of the equation, the better we can do for ourselves and others.  Yes, we absolutely want to be able to critique and grow and learn.  No, we don’t have to compare and create self-loathing and self-hatred.  There’s a difference, and we have the opportunity to choose the one that makes the most sense.