The first step to Self-Empathy: Self Observation

One of the biggest questions I get is “how can I learn self-empathy, and is it really that important”.  The answer is, yes you can, and yes it is!!! No one can have empathy for others if they can’t have empathy for themselves first. And for my leaders out there, you have to lead one before you can lead many.  So we’re going to call this series Self-Empathy February, and I’m going to outline one step each week in digestible bites.  Self- empathy is learnable, and you can do it one step at a time.

The first step is self-observation. I know it sounds self-explanatory, but when’s the last time you stepped back and just watched yourself from the outside?  Usually we just live our lives, going through the motions from inside of our own heads, without taking the spectator’s view.

Here’s the key: when we become the observer, we have to be critical, not caring. This means not assigning judgement or putting any emotional value on what we’re seeing.  Many times if we think about our own actions we become defensive, or self-righteous, or go the other way and beat ourselves up and say mean and cruel things to ourselves.  “Geez Charlie, how could you be such a bonehead”?  Sound familiar?  But when we stay ‘critical not caring’, we take the emotion out and try to approach our observations like a computer: crunching data, taking in information, and looking for patterns.  A computer wouldn’t ever judge you for your inputs, and that’s how we strive to be when we’re observing.

Here’s an example.  Let’s say you were leading a meeting, and you knew people checked out and lost interest, but you don’t know why.  Instead of shrugging it off, take a moment in your memory and just observe the situation.  What was the time of the meeting?  Who was there? What else was going on in the room or in people’s lives?  

What you’re really doing is taking different perspectives to try and understand the situation better, and by doing that, you’re flexing your empathy muscle. And while it might take some effort the first time you try this exercise, it will become easier the more you do it.  Over time, it might even become second nature. Next week we’ll look at step two, self-reflection.  Take a moment to start integrating the steps to self-empathy now, and by the end of the month you’ll have a shiny new tool in your leadership toolbox.