When empathy goes bad

So a few weeks ago I alluded to Dark Empathy (which is really a thing), and I’ve had a ton of people ask me about it since then.  I don’t want to leave people hanging, so yes it’s a real thing, and here’s what you need to know.

As my audience already knows, empathy is about connection and understanding and not necessarily feeling.  It’s how we, as humans, connect to one another.  Feelings are part of that, but not all of it.  There’s a piece called ‘cognitive empathy’, which is totally from the brain.  It says that ‘I logically understand what you’re feeling, I just don’t feel anything”.  It’s an important part of empathy because it’s something that can be skills-based.  We can learn to use empathy actionably even when we don’t really feel it.

Take a minute and soak that in, because it’s really important, and something that most people just don’t know.

Cognitive empathy is really important for leaders, and I can’t stress this enough.  If someone is in a leadership position and they’re constantly embroiled in other people’s emotions, it’s a short step to burnout.  Also, it can be really difficult to make cool decisions when someone’s up to their eyeballs in feelings.  It all comes together under the big empathy umbrella, which is why empathy is so much broader than most people realize.

So what do people look like that don’t have any empathy?  Often these people fall into the Dark Triad: sociopaths/psychopaths, Machiavellians, and narcissists.  Part of what makes them so scary and able to hurt others the way they do is they have diminished or no empathy.  They don’t connect with others, and they don’t want to.  They don’t care. But what if these people are able to learn something that looked like empathy and instead of using it as a tool, use it as a weapon?

Dark Empathy is just that: empathy weaponized.  It’s what happens when someone uses something that looks like cognitive empathy to manipulate others, usually in ways that causes harm.  You can see it in the initial ‘love bombing’ and mirroring done to control another early in a relationship.  Any relationship, not just romantic ones.  Interpersonal work relationships count too.

This is precisely why those of us with empathy also need boundaries.  It’s so important to have it and to use it, but we still need to be careful.  Because those of us who seek to connect with and understand others need to be aware that not everyone understands and uses empathy the way we would. Having empathy doesn’t mean not having boundaries, thinking critically, or being aware.  Dark Empathy is real and it’s better avoided if you can.