Dark Empathy: When empathy goes to the dark side

I talk a lot about how important empathy is, and why we need it.  But is it always a good thing?

So let’s be clear: nothing on this planet is always good.  Anything can be turned to malicious use, and unfortunately, empathy is one of those things.  So what the heck is Dark Empathy, and how can you spot it?

Let’s go back to our basic definition of empathy: understanding another person by taking their perspective through their own eyes.  Ok, got it.  

But what happens if someone uses this perspective taking to manipulate others?  This is when empathy becomes dark.  It’s not the skill of perspective-taking itself that’s bad, but rather how it’s used.

Imagine someone that can walk into the room and read everyone else’s perspective.  They really understand others.  That means they also understand their fears and anxieties, where their loyalties lie, and what makes them tick.  This means that they can now use these things against them.  Terrifying, right?

One group of people that have no empathy but are very adept at manipulating others through dark empathy is the Dark Triad: psychopaths/sociopaths, narcissists, and Machiavellians.  These people, one the whole, tend to be smart, and they learn how to use other people’s empathy against them to get what they want.  It is, in a nutshell, the weaponization of cognitive empathy, and it’s real.  When you think of leaders that are the worst of the worst, like a Stalin or a Hitler, they were very adept at using Dark Empathy to their own ends.  And we can see their results.

So how do you know?  

There’s a few signs you can look for.  

1. Look for boundary crossing.  Remember, having empathy doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries.  And if you feel someone constantly pushing against those boundaries, it’s a sign.
2. What is the other person’s intention?  Is it to understand another person, or to manipulate them?
3. Ethics.  Are they using empathy in an ethical and responsible manner, or to get others to do what they want them to do, especially if it’s illegal, unethical, or immoral?

And, honestly, trust your instincts.  Empathy works both ways, so look at it from their perspective: are they the only ones that benefit from their use of empathy, and do other people suffer because of it?

It’s like I’ve said before: empathy isn’t all puppies and rainbows.  Although I wish it could be only a good thing, nothing ever is.  But…you can protect yourself from the people that take empathy to the dark side.  

Let’s be real: empathy really IS a superpower, but with great power comes great responsibility. Empathy gives you insight by understanding the perspective of others, but integrity is what you do with it.