The second step to self-empathy: Self-Reflection
This month we’re taking time to break down the four steps to self-empathy. Last week was step 1, self-observation. Now that you’ve had a week with that, we’re going to dig into step 2, self-reflection.
When I talk about self-reflection, I’m not necessarily talking about navel-gazing, although that’s ok too. Most leaders I know don’t have huge amounts of time to spend on introspection though, so I want to approach this as more of a systematic habit. Last week we talked about observing what we do without placing an emotional value. With self-reflection, you now take that observation and think about what it means to you.
I find this easiest to think about turning the lens inward to gain a better perspective of yourself and your actions. If empathy is about perspective-taking, then self-empathy is about understanding your own perspective better. For instance, let’s say you’ve been in a meeting where everything was tense and you blew up at that one guy that just pushes your buttons. You don’t know why, you just know he triggers you every time you’re in the room. You’ve observed what happened without assigning judgement, and thought about why you were triggered. In this case, Bill makes you nuts because you feel like he always has to have the last word – but why does that make you so crazy? Sure it’s annoying, but on closer reflection, you realize it’s not because of his loudness, but because you feel unheard. Your perspective is that you’re marginalized and ignored, and that’s the real problem, not Bill.
Often when we take the time to reflect on a situation or event and our place in it, we find there are underlying factors that we hadn’t considered. When we really get to the root of the matter, however, we take our power back. Bill no longer has the power to trigger you when you hear his voice, and you now have the power to shift your situation, all by accurately understanding your perspective.
Sometimes it takes a few tries to get to the root of the matter, but just like anything, you get better with more practice. If you’ve taken the time to begin observing with step one, now add step two and spend some time in reflection. You might be surprised at what you find, but also at the unwanted baggage that you’ve been carrying without even knowing it.
