Step 3 – Self-Awareness

If you’ve been with me this far, bravo and well done! We’re halfway through the four steps to self-empathy.  I really hope you’ve been integrating these as we go.  Learning to have empathy for yourself is no different than practicing shooting hoops or learning to play music: there ain’t nuthin to it but to do it.

For a quick recap, steps 1 and 2 were self-observation and self-reflection. If you’ve taken the time to start integrating these into your arsenal, you’re already ahead of the game.  And let me stress that this isn’t just for those in leadership positions.  Self-empathy is something we ALL need.  Period.

Step 3 is self-awareness, and this is where you make the link between you and the world around you. If self-reflection is turning the lens inward and understanding why you react as you do, self-awareness is where you turn the lens outward and see how these actions affect the world around you.  And our actions always send ripples out into the world, whatever we do.

Remember that meeting last week where you blew up at Bill because he’s just that guy that has to have the last word?  And remember how we decided that maybe there was something deeper that makes it so that guy just grates on your nerves, like maybe that you’re feeling unheard and marginalized? We also decided that, by getting to the root cause within you and not just blaming Bill, you were able to take your power back because you went  from a situation where you held no power (it’s all Bill’s fault and out of my control) to a situation where you hold all the power (I feel unheard, but I can do something about it). Now that you’ve taken back that power, you can control how you affect your world.

Let’s say that, when you blew up, everyone else in the room went quiet.  Any innovation or creativity was immediately shut down, and now your people are walking on eggshells every time you come into the room.  To top it off, their productivity is down because they all wonder if they’re going to get yelled at next, and you’ve had 2 resignations.  By not being aware of your affect on your world, you’ve plummeted everyone into chaos, and it looks grim.  Not to mention that you were in such a bad mood that you went home and took it out on your partner and kids, ate/drank too much out of frustration again, didn’t sleep well, and went into work the next day in a real mood.

Now let’s think of the same situation where you were able to stay aware of your impact on everyone else and keep your power where it belonged: with you.  Maybe Bill really is a loud mouth, but you deflected it and got the meeting back on track.  Maybe others haven’t been speaking up because they also felt marginalized and unheard. But by understanding the perspective of the room, you could allow those thoughts to emerge and foster innovation.  Now, instead of people walking on eggshells, they’re seeking you out to work on creative solutions.  No one’s resigning.  Instead, people are asking to be part of your team.

This might be the most important step because it’s what plugs your empathy into the world.  Next week we’ll talk about how to make it actionable.  This is the part that really turns empathy into a leadership superpower.  Stay tuned!!