Myth #2: Empathy means “just be nice”
Empathy tends to get lumped in with a whole bunch of other seemingly similar emotives, like the empathy/sympathy/compassion conglomeration. One of those things is being nice, and how having empathy automatically makes you ‘nice’, but it just ain’t so. In fact, I’d even suggest that empathy isn’t very nice sometimes. Let’s put it this way:
What if your leadership is underperforming because you’re being too ‘nice’, but not using enough strategic empathy?
We’ve come to equate being nice and having empathy to being agreeable, but that’s not it at all. Empathy is about perspective taking – understanding what’s going on in the other person’s head and heart. There’s nothing in that definition about being nice.
‘Nice’ is a social construct. It’s what we do to get along in society. Think of it as social lubrication: it makes the wheels turn easier, but there’s no real connection, no real understanding. You’re not taking the perspective of the other person. You’re probably just doing whatever feels most comfortable, but that’s not necessarily doing the thing that’s the best for you and the other person. It might feel good in the moment, but it’s not going to make things better in the long run.
I’d always advocate for a workplace that’s kind, even if it’s not necessarily nice. Kindness is really doing what’s best for you, your employees, and the organization, and doing it in a way that isn’t demeaning or harsh. Sometimes you still have to be the bad guy. Sometimes it’s really uncomfortable. But kindness is clear and regulated.
Empathy isn’t always nice, but it’s ALWAYS kind.
Skills-based, strategic empathy isn’t about sparing feelings or making people comfortable. It’s about strengthening people by taking action through empathy. And for anyone who’s wondering: you can be kind without being soft or lowering standards. And you can still drive performance.
The next time you’re avoiding a hard conversation ask yourself, “do I want to be nice, or do I want to be kind”?
Your answer will change everything.
