You’re not “too nice”. You’re avoiding the hard part of leadership

Having empathy doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries.  

Yes, I know that’s a double negative, but stick with me here.

I hear so many leaders bemoaning the fact that they’re ‘too nice’: they ‘re overaccommodating, avoiding difficult conversations, handing out praise to everyone for no reason, and in the process, feeling like the doormat at McDonalds. But this isn’t being too nice – this is not having boundaries and being a doormat (for real).

I’m tired of empathy getting a bad rap when we’re not talking about empathy. And being a pushover isn’t empathy, so stop blaming empathy for being something it isn’t.

I’m working with someone now who’s working through her employee evaluations and, wouldn’t you know it, everyone is just amazing!  Except that they aren’t.

She’s being very ‘nice’. Nice is what we do to make everyone comfortable, and keep relationships without conflict.  It’s social lubricant: it greases the wheels of societal interaction. 

It’s also surface and shallow.

Nice prioritizes keeping everyone comfortable.

Kind prioritizes the other person.  

This leader never considered that she was robbing her employees of the opportunity to benefit from some real feedback.  Nothing mean or sharp, but something really useful.  She was actually betraying her employees and, in the process, she felt like everyone was walking over her.  Of course they were – with her invitation.  But she wasn’t displaying empathy, she was being ‘nice’ and spineless.

Empathy isn’t always nice, but it’s always kind. Without exception.

People that operate with empathy need to have more boundaries, because they have to have empathy for themselves first.  And these boundaries are what makes leadership sustainable. You’re not always giving until it hurts, which isn’t healthy for anyone.

Nice leadership says “how do I keep this comfortable?”

Kind leadership says “What serves the best outcome – for everyone?”

That’s the kind of leader I want, even if they don’t give me the answer I want to hear, because they’re authentic, trustworthy, and engaged. 

And many people will choose comfort over real, and that’s ok I guess, but don’t blame empathy when it doesn’t work.  This isn’t empathy’s fault when you choose to be a doormat.